Wednesday, 4 July 2012

not everything's bad and not everything's good; it's about seeing light through the cracks and wearing jackets with hoods.

i don't write here much anymore. i'm happier so i suppose i don't feel the need to scrawl my heart out anymore. my head, on the most part, is content and that is a fascinating state to be in but not one i particularly like to write about. words can be medicinal in both their beauty and their tragedy and i have always found that the need, in this case, to type comes only when there is anger or sadness within me.
so i guess you could say that this has all become a little dull. i certainly wouldn't read over my old words and since i don't refresh this place with new ones very often, i find myself drifting away from here.

and that's perfectly fine by me.

everything is so different now; for the better and in a way i never thought it could be. our lives are filled with aims and yes, it is our dreams that drive us and that is by no mean bad but as a friend of mine wrote recently, "everyone is so scared about messing up God's plan for their life. humans already screwed up the plan, and Jesus already fixed it. go be free."

x xx

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

i lost my will and i lost my way, let us go far from here till we're old and grey.

if i tell you that i'm scared will you keep my fear stashed inside your locker, beside advanced english, in the dictionary with rest of the definitions that i labelled myself with?

i don't want to die. and i don't want to lose anyone to death either. but i lie awake imaging our separate ends and then i wake from the sleep that caught me at our funerals, i'm terrified.

heaven is meant to be my comfort but i find none in it. only the destitute and the brave; those who had nothing left to believe and those who were too brave to give up their beliefs. i'm neither of those. i believe because if i didn't i wouldn't be here at all.

break us all down and we become nothing but star dust. maybe that is why some of us sparkle and others are chasm of imploding darkness. and talking of imploding it feel like my body might do just that. it feels like everything is draining from me; my blood, my breath, my soul, my mind. all physical this time, all excruciatingly physical.

(that is not to say that things aren't good. there is much to be grateful for and i am; there is my job and summer and uni and family and friends. and i love them.)

but i'm still scared. my hope doesn't drown my fear, if anything it perpetuates it because it allows my perspective to envisage every angle. it's like looking round a corner using a shard of glass; you can see what is coming clearly enough with your eyes, but you can't know for certain if your brain is playing tricks on you or not.

and as a by the by it's one year since i was discharged from hospital. one year that i've made it without section or tubes or starvation. then why i am so sad? i think, though i may be wrong, it's because i've never felt so close to dying.

x xx

Monday, 30 April 2012

it's not about how you are now, it's about your past and how poisoned you were.

that's the thing; at the end of the day, no one cares how you are now. currently. at present. right this very moment. all that matters is your past and how it defines the person you have become. i don't believe this and i know there are others who doubt it too but i guess the health service would rather urge on the safe side than take a chance. i should be use to it; first medical neglect then discounted because of medical history.

so it is safe to say that my future feels venerable and that the madness feels like a burning twinge wanting to spark.

it's a strange hospital, the place where occuy meet and decides our fate. it's for rehabilitation and i don't mean the drug induced kind. there's amputees and folk with brain injuries and the grounds are rolling, vast grass lawns soaked in rain. there is a school in the centre, a bird table just outside it surrounded in concrete and a cat, spying the bird bath.

i don't like this place; it's unsettling, reminiscent of the royal and altogether less familiar.

there are memories behind us all, moments that created who we are but that should not mean that we are defined by where we come from; who we loved; or what we've been through.

no one knows each others pain and no one should. it ours to bear just as it is not others to judge.

and there is no more twittering and far less unknown "friends". maybe there will be peace in my head and less worrying in my heart.
quinn x xx

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

the numbers do not matter, or so i tell myself. you cannot preach the holy if you lack the faith to believe.

i doubt i'll ever feel like i was ill enough. it's the way of an anorexic mind, the residual sparks of a feud that doesn't quite leave. and sometimes i think that i will go back. not now but some day, when all is said and done.

i understand that i was ill; that i was very thin, organs starting to fail, a dying sort of ill. but do i feel like i was good enough, do i feel like i accomplished all i aimed for while anorexic? no. and i will never feel like i was "good enough" at my illness.

and i am reminded every day of what i failed to achieve for i know so many others with the same irrational as me.

i think, i need out. i need out of the friendship clause of anorexia that binds. once you meet someone who has suffered like as you have, you cling to them. i cannot cling to such people any longer.

not because i don't care and love and empathise with them. but because i need to remind myself that being better is not just an option, it is a necessity and one that, unlike anorexia, does not come at a price. if i can't have been the most ill then might i be the most recovered. i don't want to be known as the anorexic girl like so many of the people i know; i just want to be known for being me - a student nurse who loves green tea and believes in God. that is who i am. that is who i will always be.

so if i distance myself from it is not because i forgot your suffering or your pain - i know it well, i have lived it myself - i retreat only because i am beginning to learn that i cannot save you, that heroism must come from within you. my words fall on your deaf ears and i can't live beside people who destroy themselves; i'm moving on but not necessarily with you.

i am sorry for that.

perhaps i will be ill in many years to come. or maybe in just a few. or perhaps, never again.

as long as i hurt no one but myself and the world will keep on turning, just like today, just like always.

x xx

Monday, 16 April 2012

it's nearly over and yet not even begun, you stole the ideas and chose to run.

it's funny how just the pressure of the blade does more damage than it's cuts. purple brusing because the fragile blood vessels reputure.

i want tramadol for my pain but they won't prescribe it. codine is addictive and so are all the others.

so for now i'm self-medicating with dreams. 

i think of nursing in neo-nate wards and of falling in love with a doctor. i list baby names and future pets. i picture being a good mother and living in a new town flat. all random thoughts of a wonderful life.

i negate to think of the exams, the birth, the losses, the cost of such ideals. to think of price is to limit and i only want the limitless.

the world, my world, is unstable at the moment. turning on an axis that's going just a little less slow than i would like.

x xx

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

a b c d e f j h i j K l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

my favourite
you're the taller one

who wants to be a snowflake
and have two boys

we like vintage

and charity

you have dave

and can walk in heels

i still need you to teach me

you are maths; i am words


Saturday, 7 April 2012

there is disaster all around us but it feels like it's closing in. the dark nights are turning to light yet the shadows still surround us.

hope went missing. and i don't just mean figuratively. you took the pills then skipped work to flight around the city. my heart stops when you finally give up the refuge you have sought. near water, up high; all the key sets to suicide.

then you let the rest of the truth spill forth and i can't breath as i think of you swallowing the pills.

crying out to the room; get the car keys, hurry up, i have to find her...

and i do.

i run up the hill, air tight in my lungs and caught in my throat. there's a man walking his dog, maybe someone cycling too but i can't tell, blind with fear at what you have become.

one last call and you finally pick up. i find you by the pond, joggers idling past. i swear at you, hugging you close as the pills make your body heave and shake.

mummy finds us and so do the police. twenty minutes for ambulance with eyes staring one; estate boys watch, mouthy to the police who moves them on shouting little shits after them.

i don't care. i just pace in the cold, chewing at my sleeve and pounding adrenaline with each step. your eyes are closing so i force numbers from your mouth, let's count; one, two, three, four. then check your pulse as the world rushes by. it's racing on too.

the ambulance is slow. rattling but no sirens. they save you, we save you, i save you but now you need to save yourself.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

each day has our potential written in the sun but we are blinded by our light of what we could have done.

i got twitter - quinnsephine - so K got a blog. we are equal now. although she is actually far more wonderful than me.

on friday i was offered a place at university to study paediatric nursing. i've managed the pain without medication in three days. there are a couple of people in my life who i just couldn't be more proud of. dance class starts soon R. rockness too. and summer ends with turning nineteen, soul survivor and joining cu at uni.

perhaps our dreams are a long time coming, a while in the making and a little off key but doesn't that mean they will be the most spectacular in the end. i hope so.

and what are your fears?
and what are your dreams?

infact, what is your biggest fear; what is your greatest dream?

i love this video, i want it to spread. take world by storm like kony did. because the thing is, yes we have the potential to do great across the world but the thing i think we forget, is that we have the potential to do great within ourselves.

Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms.

x xx

Monday, 19 March 2012

i'm not asking you to save each other, i'm just asking you to save yourselves.

remember those drugs that killed me, took away parts of my heart that i can't ever get back? now you're taking them, even though you know the damage they do; you knew me when i was trapped and dying, you saw the pain it caused from across the room yet you still want to go there. i don't understand. i don't think i ever will. because at least when i took those drugs, i didn't know the consequences, i was naive. and you, you are not.

and you think no one notices you're not eating. please give us all some credit.

i feel sick to my core. this illness, it disgusts me. it's rotting everyone from the inside out and i mean everyone. for it's not just you it affects. it hurts us all. mummy, daddy, little brother, little sisters, big sisters, friends, best friends, colleagues. we are watching you die and you don't care that you are killing us, not just yourself.

once you've lost someone, the pain never leaves. that tug you feel, that gnaw at your heart - they left that behind so that you might never forget them. doesn't it just drive you mad?

well that certainly won't be helping either.

what happened to taking up something new, like drawing or writing or knitting? when did we all become so destructive.

and since we're on the subject of destruction. did i ask, why? you want to be in hospital and for the life of me i've forgotten the feelings that cause that wish. i left it behind. good luck with funding, fivehundredpounds a day for pretty much no less than a year of institutionalisation. gulp is the only onomatopoeia i can think that describes.

and L as for your plan, it scares me. what about m and d and i and a and g and m and j and everyoneeveryoneeveryone else? i know you love them. i just wish you loved yourself. oh and the drugs aren't working anymore, i can see that, can't you feel it?

i know i might not be a healthy yet but i'm trying, desperately. i'm trying despite the m.e. and all the pain that comes with it. i'm trying despite the fact that i'm loosing everyone around me to their own mental illnesses. i'm trying because there is no other way; because an eating disorder is a death sentence and i'm not ready to die; because i've seen what it did to my family and i can't be the cause of that pain anymore; because i've seen it ruin families and mine will not be ruined; because i watched a friend die and i won't let that happen to you. will you let it happen to me, again?

i love you.
i. love. you.

but this me, refusing to watch you kill yourselves.
this needs to STOP. and only YOU can stop it.
we need you, Mm needs you, the world need you.

x xx

Friday, 16 March 2012

if two years is what it takes then let them run by quick, we need to see end of this before the stars break.

it's rainy in the city and it's dark inside and out. mud streaks on the bus floors and steamed windows galore. it's dark in my head and it's darkening my heart. they are struggling and it's killing me, i want to save the world.

we aren't children anymore, we're adults in this world and i'm trying to face it's beauty rather than it's flames and soot. if we're ill in our heads then we're just crazy, but if our bodies are ill then it feels real. is that what you're all aiming for, in the madness of this starvation and scales?

it's like we're fumbling for the light but the bulb is still blown. the problem isn't our desires, it's our actions. i want us to be well. i want you to see each other as positive examples rather than competitors or someone to fret our.

if there was a secret then i'd tell you with no delay but all i know is that sometimes praying works for me.

love x xx

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

everything's quiet and everything hurts, the tip tap of souls leaving this earth.

i am so tired. it's this physical exhaustion that sends me to sleep for hours but awakes me still sleep filled. and my body aches. it hurts horribly and the painkillers don't work any more because i took too many of them in my anorexic life.

you get rid of one ill and then there's another around the corner, as if to say, "serve you right for wasting your time on perfection." it makes me sad. it makes me tired.

x xx

Monday, 20 February 2012

Friday, 17 February 2012

if there's one thing about acceptance i haven't grasped yet, it's accepting it.

i met a few amazing people in hospital, our situations both awfully similar and terrifically different, but knowing them now, is not always helpful.

because if we're talking eating disorders then there's a small crazy part that never leaves; it's the subconscious that posts entire albums showing their stick legs or writes about their relapses on facebook instead of their successes.

don't misunderstand me here, everyone needs a place to vent but publicly to your close friends on social networking sights? i just don't understand. i write here because for the most, i am no one.

(of course that didn't entirely work out but that's another story)

i honestly don't need to know that you've got retubed, especially when we all know you don't need a tube because your actually overweight.

i don't need to see your skinny ass posing in size six clothes that are too big.

nor do i need to know that you ate a piece of cake.

or that you want to loose weight.

these ideas, obsessions, intentions are not an option. forget them.

you got tube fed, yeah well so did i and so do lots of other people. i don't need to see it as your status update on facebook!

wow, you fit size six. again, i don't care. i could fit a size six too if i tired but that's not my aim.

a piece of cake, congratulations. everyone else in britain eats cake too.

and don't loose weight. we all know where it'll end up and it's not pretty or fun or happy.

recovering from an eating disorder is not fun. i don't remember that being part of the description when i finally started. in fact, let's be honest, recovering from anything is not usually fun. but then, neither is being ill. yes when i was deeply anorexic i felt powerful, superior, wistful, indestructible but i was also cold, lonely, hungry and genuinely the most upset and low i have ever felt. my bad days now don't measure up to even of half of what i felt when i was ill. i can barely cope with my bad days now so i can't imagine going back to a place where i felt far worse far more of the time.

you have to get on with it. and yes, that may seem a little harsh, perhaps a little naive or as if i'm making it out to be easier than it is. but at the end of the day, eating is a basic human need and one that we can and do get back to.

it's a choice.

what's yours?

x xx

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

minding me needs you please

please have a look, spread the word and follow via blogger, facebook and twitter -

merci beaucoup! x xx

Sunday, 5 February 2012

letting go can only make you lighter, forgiveness is a talent that i rarely find in others.

see you hate us but we don't hate you. at least, we didn't ...i don't think. we're only starting to. but i know we could turn the other cheek. i know we'd forgive you if you meant the sorry words you say.

cause how can it be fair, that we are judged for past mistakes but we don't judge on your current jealousy.

granted seventeen years is long to bind. though it's not time that makes friends last, its friends that make time who last.

i know, cliched to the skys. i guess they wouldn't be cliches if not true and widely spread.

i'll pray you see us for more that what you think we are. cause hate hurts and i don't want anyone to hurt from a pain like that.

Friday, 20 January 2012

because the things we do define us but the things we believe created us.

twloha. always.

it sums everything it up, non? that feeling we use to have.

my cat. she's fat. and that's not merely from an anorexic's point of view.

i want to travel to the moon. feel the star dust on my feet.

and what of the plans we made? can we dream if all our dreams have been fulfilled?

Friday, 13 January 2012

when the world is shattering around your head, the splinters are sticking in the wounds you've tread.

the police are at my door. knock once. softly, so as not to cause too much distress. knock knock. firmer this time, more definite. mummy opens the door and i lean my head around the chain, this is about R, isn't it?

they nod, smile slightly sadly and ask if they can come in.

and so it comes to ten o'clock on a wednesday evening and i'm sitting on the sofa telling two police officers whether you have run away before, where you might go, what you might do, if you may do anything at all in fact.

i phone friends. ask for numbers. my hands are shaking because i think you're dead. or least, i think you will be.

their radio go brrrb on their shoulders. and they listen, rodger! they say. and, it looks like they've found her. got all the way into the city centre, you might have been getting a knock from not just this evening.

then they leave. swift as they came in a veil of kind official manners.


we find out you're in hospital, od'd you did. the thing that surprises me is that i'm not even surprised. i'm preparing for your funeral like it's a date that's been set. i don't know how much long your soul can hold your body together.

and you're worrying about the other R and we are both worrying about the both of you and nobody has a fucking clue what to do. so call other R's mother, tell her what's happened and try to act hopefully and as if "it will all be okay."

but it's never going to be okay for you, is it? not after what he did to you. what they did to you. what they did to us.

are you going to stop R? are you going to stop before time runs out? or is running out of time what you are looking for?

i can't hold you all together. R and other R. you need to stand on your own feet, take down your own masks and draw back the gun you're holding to your own heads.

i love you but i can't save you and i can't accept that.

x xx
My photo
somewhere over the rainbow
hullo there stranger, welcome to the better side of me.

porcelain puppet dolls