Monday, 19 March 2012

i'm not asking you to save each other, i'm just asking you to save yourselves.

remember those drugs that killed me, took away parts of my heart that i can't ever get back? now you're taking them, even though you know the damage they do; you knew me when i was trapped and dying, you saw the pain it caused from across the room yet you still want to go there. i don't understand. i don't think i ever will. because at least when i took those drugs, i didn't know the consequences, i was naive. and you, you are not.

and you think no one notices you're not eating. please give us all some credit.

i feel sick to my core. this illness, it disgusts me. it's rotting everyone from the inside out and i mean everyone. for it's not just you it affects. it hurts us all. mummy, daddy, little brother, little sisters, big sisters, friends, best friends, colleagues. we are watching you die and you don't care that you are killing us, not just yourself.

once you've lost someone, the pain never leaves. that tug you feel, that gnaw at your heart - they left that behind so that you might never forget them. doesn't it just drive you mad?

well that certainly won't be helping either.

what happened to taking up something new, like drawing or writing or knitting? when did we all become so destructive.

and since we're on the subject of destruction. did i ask, why? you want to be in hospital and for the life of me i've forgotten the feelings that cause that wish. i left it behind. good luck with funding, fivehundredpounds a day for pretty much no less than a year of institutionalisation. gulp is the only onomatopoeia i can think that describes.

and L as for your plan, it scares me. what about m and d and i and a and g and m and j and everyoneeveryoneeveryone else? i know you love them. i just wish you loved yourself. oh and the drugs aren't working anymore, i can see that, can't you feel it?

i know i might not be a healthy yet but i'm trying, desperately. i'm trying despite the m.e. and all the pain that comes with it. i'm trying despite the fact that i'm loosing everyone around me to their own mental illnesses. i'm trying because there is no other way; because an eating disorder is a death sentence and i'm not ready to die; because i've seen what it did to my family and i can't be the cause of that pain anymore; because i've seen it ruin families and mine will not be ruined; because i watched a friend die and i won't let that happen to you. will you let it happen to me, again?

i love you.
i. love. you.

but this me, refusing to watch you kill yourselves.
this needs to STOP. and only YOU can stop it.
we need you, Mm needs you, the world need you.

x xx
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somewhere over the rainbow
hullo there stranger, welcome to the better side of me.

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