Monday, 24 January 2011

where to start when the beginning is the end?

i lock the door, lean over and take two fingers and force them to the back of my throat. i can taste the fifteen grams of bran flakes, the zero fat actimel and sugar free orange juice rise up in my throat. i gag, my stomach lurches. ninetyfourcaloriesgone. i spit blood.

in the mirror my eyes and nose run. this is the only time i cry now. my face is bloachy and the knuckles of my right hand show small calases where flesh and teeth have colided. my body trembles, both hands quivering as my newly imbalanced electrolytes play havok with my already failing heart.

i was re-admitted to hospital today. to be stabalised.

i love you. i'm sorry.

x xx

Friday, 14 January 2011

go away and plan your life, tick off the checklist you have made.

no worries instead, i'll find someone to love. i'll take life from me and give it to you; pull it from bone, grind it from rib. make an envelope of my heart and tuck you in. we are singing and dancing, laughing and crying, in summer rains with hop scotch games. in time you will grow, fill the space that i craved. a memory in dust, behind a glsss frame. we are still growing up beneath their furtive gaze.

x xx

thank you for not abandoning me in the chaos. will you ever know how being alone scares me, even though it's all i seem to strive for.


1. to fall or slide back into a former state.
2. to regress after partial recovery from illness.
3. to slide back into bad ways; backslide.

i don't want to go back there.

you know, where it was dark and wired. like electricity and split personalities and cake mix and vomit and deep black hunger.

i especially don't want to go back there ^^ but the thing is...i
x xx

Monday, 10 January 2011

the big bad world huffed puffed but did not tear her paper heart down.

i have survived four days out of my lego brick prison.

in other words, i'm discharged. no longer detained at her majesty's pleasure. free to do what i please ...well, not really the latter but still.

i'll take bets on how long it'll last if you like?

i ramble. i've missed this place. but somehow i doubt anyone reads here anymore. why would they? for so long now i've lacked the words to say, the words to some up the whirlwind in my head.

and now?... i'm frightened incase they capture me again 'cause they read here and they know my secret hiding place. i don't ever want to be locked in the tower again, with liquid food, arms locked by bears.

love always,

quinn x xx

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

don't tell me that you love, just don't lie to me. don't tell that it's better, just don't lie me.

it's a strange, somewhat cynical flaw but a fundemental one nonetheless; the problem with psychiatry (and one which will no doubt remain) is that people lie.

we change the truth, our own truth and others. and we tell little white lies and mother's shaking voice, "don't tell me porky pies."

yes, it's so easy. yet it's sad because the only one who gets hurt is you and me, everyone who's ever lied, "i'm better."

x xx

Saturday, 1 January 2011

follow the link; down the rabbit hole, through the tunnels, into the maddening dark.

follow this girl. she is magical, perhaps a little crazy and the coolest butterfly i know.

x xx
My photo
somewhere over the rainbow
hullo there stranger, welcome to the better side of me.

porcelain puppet dolls