where to start when the beginning is the end?

i lock the door, lean over and take two fingers and force them to the back of my throat. i can taste the fifteen grams of bran flakes, the zero fat actimel and sugar free orange juice rise up in my throat. i gag, my stomach lurches. ninetyfourcaloriesgone. i spit blood.

in the mirror my eyes and nose run. this is the only time i cry now. my face is bloachy and the knuckles of my right hand show small calases where flesh and teeth have colided. my body trembles, both hands quivering as my newly imbalanced electrolytes play havok with my already failing heart.

i was re-admitted to hospital today. to be stabalised.

i love you. i'm sorry.

x xx