there is a wave of sickness spreading through my body, it started as my heart fell to the pit of my stomach when i saw the photo of them together. i hate him.
how dare he tell me for months that he wants us to be more, he wants us to be together, and then, when i finally start to trust him CRACK goes my vile of trust as he spills it from my hands. i hate him.
it lying in pools, dripping from my fingertips; trust glistens like the tear tracks on my cheeks. why do we bother? why why why? back when i was horribly ill, even just a few months ago, i didn't care about school or boys or the future ...all the mattered was surviving the present and refused to let myself trust anyone. i never got hurt that way, i never got hurt by anyone but myself.
and i think that was better because at least i knew what direction the blows were coming from. i hate him.
for the first time in three months i cut myself. a red seeping line drawing over the scar tissue of a previous distress. and then the anger moves to my stomach, it seems fat suddenly, even though i haven't gained any of the weight i'm meant to have. if i cut over the word fat that it already reads there then perhaps some of the contents of my stomach will bleed out too. it doesn't work, just leaves sharp, angry lines which spot blood that runs down my stomach.
then yesterday and today i skipped meals for the first time in three months too. the twisting pain in my tummy, crying for food, was a better pain than the one in my heart and head. those both dulled as i walked and didn't eat.
i haven't come this close to fucking up in a long time and it's frightening.
but what frightens me is not the fact that i might sink below the water level to that deep dark world again. it's the fact that even though i hate him ...all i want to do forgive him and be hugged close again.