Wednesday, 18 April 2012

the numbers do not matter, or so i tell myself. you cannot preach the holy if you lack the faith to believe.

i doubt i'll ever feel like i was ill enough. it's the way of an anorexic mind, the residual sparks of a feud that doesn't quite leave. and sometimes i think that i will go back. not now but some day, when all is said and done.

i understand that i was ill; that i was very thin, organs starting to fail, a dying sort of ill. but do i feel like i was good enough, do i feel like i accomplished all i aimed for while anorexic? no. and i will never feel like i was "good enough" at my illness.

and i am reminded every day of what i failed to achieve for i know so many others with the same irrational as me.

i think, i need out. i need out of the friendship clause of anorexia that binds. once you meet someone who has suffered like as you have, you cling to them. i cannot cling to such people any longer.

not because i don't care and love and empathise with them. but because i need to remind myself that being better is not just an option, it is a necessity and one that, unlike anorexia, does not come at a price. if i can't have been the most ill then might i be the most recovered. i don't want to be known as the anorexic girl like so many of the people i know; i just want to be known for being me - a student nurse who loves green tea and believes in God. that is who i am. that is who i will always be.

so if i distance myself from it is not because i forgot your suffering or your pain - i know it well, i have lived it myself - i retreat only because i am beginning to learn that i cannot save you, that heroism must come from within you. my words fall on your deaf ears and i can't live beside people who destroy themselves; i'm moving on but not necessarily with you.

i am sorry for that.

perhaps i will be ill in many years to come. or maybe in just a few. or perhaps, never again.

as long as i hurt no one but myself and the world will keep on turning, just like today, just like always.

x xx
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somewhere over the rainbow
hullo there stranger, welcome to the better side of me.

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