the numbers do not matter, or so i tell myself. you cannot preach the holy if you lack the faith to believe.

i doubt i'll ever feel like i was ill enough. it's the way of an anorexic mind, the residual sparks of a feud that doesn't quite leave. and sometimes i think that i will go back. not now but some day, when all is said and done.

i understand that i was ill; that i was very thin, organs starting to fail, a dying sort of ill. but do i feel like i was good enough, do i feel like i accomplished all i aimed for while anorexic? no. and i will never feel like i was "good enough" at my illness.

and i am reminded every day of what i failed to achieve for i know so many others with the same irrational as me.

i think, i need out. i need out of the friendship clause of anorexia that binds. once you meet someone who has suffered like as you have, you cling to them. i cannot cling to such people any longer.

not because i don't care and love and empathise with them. but because i need to remind myself that being better is not just an option, it is a necessity and one that, unlike anorexia, does not come at a price. if i can't have been the most ill then might i be the most recovered. i don't want to be known as the anorexic girl like so many of the people i know; i just want to be known for being me - a student nurse who loves green tea and believes in God. that is who i am. that is who i will always be.

so if i distance myself from it is not because i forgot your suffering or your pain - i know it well, i have lived it myself - i retreat only because i am beginning to learn that i cannot save you, that heroism must come from within you. my words fall on your deaf ears and i can't live beside people who destroy themselves; i'm moving on but not necessarily with you.

i am sorry for that.

perhaps i will be ill in many years to come. or maybe in just a few. or perhaps, never again.

as long as i hurt no one but myself and the world will keep on turning, just like today, just like always.

x xx

it's nearly over and yet not even begun, you stole the ideas and chose to run.

it's funny how just the pressure of the blade does more damage than it's cuts. purple brusing because the fragile blood vessels reputure.

i want tramadol for my pain but they won't prescribe it. codine is addictive and so are all the others.

so for now i'm self-medicating with dreams. 

i think of nursing in neo-nate wards and of falling in love with a doctor. i list baby names and future pets. i picture being a good mother and living in a new town flat. all random thoughts of a wonderful life.

i negate to think of the exams, the birth, the losses, the cost of such ideals. to think of price is to limit and i only want the limitless.

the world, my world, is unstable at the moment. turning on an axis that's going just a little less slow than i would like.

x xx

a b c d e f j h i j K l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

my favourite

you're the taller one

who wants to be a snowflake

and have two boys

we like vintage

and charity

you have dave

and can walk in heels

i still need you to teach me

you are maths; i am words

BIG LOVE K

there is disaster all around us but it feels like it's closing in. the dark nights are turning to light yet the shadows still surround us.

hope went missing. and i don't just mean figuratively. you took the pills then skipped work to flight around the city. my heart stops when you finally give up the refuge you have sought. near water, up high; all the key sets to suicide.

then you let the rest of the truth spill forth and i can't breath as i think of you swallowing the pills.

crying out to the room; get the car keys, hurry up, i have to find her...

and i do.

i run up the hill, air tight in my lungs and caught in my throat. there's a man walking his dog, maybe someone cycling too but i can't tell, blind with fear at what you have become.

one last call and you finally pick up. i find you by the pond, joggers idling past. i swear at you, hugging you close as the pills make your body heave and shake.

mummy finds us and so do the police. twenty minutes for ambulance with eyes staring one; estate boys watch, mouthy to the police who moves them on shouting little shits after them.

i don't care. i just pace in the cold, chewing at my sleeve and pounding adrenaline with each step. your eyes are closing so i force numbers from your mouth, let's count; one, two, three, four. then check your pulse as the world rushes by. it's racing on too.

the ambulance is slow. rattling but no sirens. they save you, we save you, i save you but now you need to save yourself.

each day has our potential written in the sun but we are blinded by our light of what we could have done.

i got twitter - quinnsephine - so K got a blog. we are equal now. although she is actually far more wonderful than me.

on friday i was offered a place at university to study paediatric nursing. i've managed the pain without medication in three days. there are a couple of people in my life who i just couldn't be more proud of. dance class starts soon R. rockness too. and summer ends with turning nineteen, soul survivor and joining cu at uni.

perhaps our dreams are a long time coming, a while in the making and a little off key but doesn't that mean they will be the most spectacular in the end. i hope so.

and what are your fears?

and what are your dreams?

infact, what is your biggest fear; what is your greatest dream?

i love this video, i want it to spread. take world by storm like kony did. because the thing is, yes we have the potential to do great across the world but the thing i think we forget, is that we have the potential to do great within ourselves.

Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms.

x xx

i'm not asking you to save each other, i'm just asking you to save yourselves.

remember those drugs that killed me, took away parts of my heart that i can't ever get back? now you're taking them, even though you know the damage they do; you knew me when i was trapped and dying, you saw the pain it caused from across the room yet you still want to go there. i don't understand. i don't think i ever will. because at least when i took those drugs, i didn't know the consequences, i was naive. and you, you are not.

and you think no one notices you're not eating. please give us all some credit.

i feel sick to my core. this illness, it disgusts me. it's rotting everyone from the inside out and i mean everyone. for it's not just you it affects. it hurts us all. mummy, daddy, little brother, little sisters, big sisters, friends, best friends, colleagues. we are watching you die and you don't care that you are killing us, not just yourself.

once you've lost someone, the pain never leaves. that tug you feel, that gnaw at your heart - they left that behind so that you might never forget them. doesn't it just drive you mad?

walkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalk.

well that certainly won't be helping either.

what happened to taking up something new, like drawing or writing or knitting? when did we all become so destructive.

and since we're on the subject of destruction. did i ask, why? you want to be in hospital and for the life of me i've forgotten the feelings that cause that wish. i left it behind. good luck with funding, fivehundredpounds a day for pretty much no less than a year of institutionalisation. gulp is the only onomatopoeia i can think that describes.

and L as for your plan, it scares me. what about m and d and i and a and g and m and j and everyoneeveryoneeveryone else? i know you love them. i just wish you loved yourself. oh and the drugs aren't working anymore, i can see that, can't you feel it?

i know i might not be a healthy yet but i'm trying, desperately. i'm trying despite the m.e. and all the pain that comes with it. i'm trying despite the fact that i'm loosing everyone around me to their own mental illnesses. i'm trying because there is no other way; because an eating disorder is a death sentence and i'm not ready to die; because i've seen what it did to my family and i can't be the cause of that pain anymore; because i've seen it ruin families and mine will not be ruined; because i watched a friend die and i won't let that happen to you. will you let it happen to me, again?

iloveyou.

i love you.

i. love. you.

but this me, refusing to watch you kill yourselves.

this needs to STOP. and only YOU can stop it.

we need you, Mm needs you, the world need you.

x xx

if two years is what it takes then let them run by quick, we need to see end of this before the stars break.

it's rainy in the city and it's dark inside and out. mud streaks on the bus floors and steamed windows galore. it's dark in my head and it's darkening my heart. they are struggling and it's killing me, i want to save the world.

we aren't children anymore, we're adults in this world and i'm trying to face it's beauty rather than it's flames and soot. if we're ill in our heads then we're just crazy, but if our bodies are ill then it feels real. is that what you're all aiming for, in the madness of this starvation and scales?

it's like we're fumbling for the light but the bulb is still blown. the problem isn't our desires, it's our actions. i want us to be well. i want you to see each other as positive examples rather than competitors or someone to fret our.

if there was a secret then i'd tell you with no delay but all i know is that sometimes praying works for me.

love x xx