i'm not asking you to save each other, i'm just asking you to save yourselves.

remember those drugs that killed me, took away parts of my heart that i can't ever get back? now you're taking them, even though you know the damage they do; you knew me when i was trapped and dying, you saw the pain it caused from across the room yet you still want to go there. i don't understand. i don't think i ever will. because at least when i took those drugs, i didn't know the consequences, i was naive. and you, you are not.

and you think no one notices you're not eating. please give us all some credit.

i feel sick to my core. this illness, it disgusts me. it's rotting everyone from the inside out and i mean everyone. for it's not just you it affects. it hurts us all. mummy, daddy, little brother, little sisters, big sisters, friends, best friends, colleagues. we are watching you die and you don't care that you are killing us, not just yourself.

once you've lost someone, the pain never leaves. that tug you feel, that gnaw at your heart - they left that behind so that you might never forget them. doesn't it just drive you mad?

walkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalkwalk.

well that certainly won't be helping either.

what happened to taking up something new, like drawing or writing or knitting? when did we all become so destructive.

and since we're on the subject of destruction. did i ask, why? you want to be in hospital and for the life of me i've forgotten the feelings that cause that wish. i left it behind. good luck with funding, fivehundredpounds a day for pretty much no less than a year of institutionalisation. gulp is the only onomatopoeia i can think that describes.

and L as for your plan, it scares me. what about m and d and i and a and g and m and j and everyoneeveryoneeveryone else? i know you love them. i just wish you loved yourself. oh and the drugs aren't working anymore, i can see that, can't you feel it?

i know i might not be a healthy yet but i'm trying, desperately. i'm trying despite the m.e. and all the pain that comes with it. i'm trying despite the fact that i'm loosing everyone around me to their own mental illnesses. i'm trying because there is no other way; because an eating disorder is a death sentence and i'm not ready to die; because i've seen what it did to my family and i can't be the cause of that pain anymore; because i've seen it ruin families and mine will not be ruined; because i watched a friend die and i won't let that happen to you. will you let it happen to me, again?

iloveyou.

i love you.

i. love. you.

but this me, refusing to watch you kill yourselves.

this needs to STOP. and only YOU can stop it.

we need you, Mm needs you, the world need you.

x xx

if two years is what it takes then let them run by quick, we need to see end of this before the stars break.

it's rainy in the city and it's dark inside and out. mud streaks on the bus floors and steamed windows galore. it's dark in my head and it's darkening my heart. they are struggling and it's killing me, i want to save the world.

we aren't children anymore, we're adults in this world and i'm trying to face it's beauty rather than it's flames and soot. if we're ill in our heads then we're just crazy, but if our bodies are ill then it feels real. is that what you're all aiming for, in the madness of this starvation and scales?

it's like we're fumbling for the light but the bulb is still blown. the problem isn't our desires, it's our actions. i want us to be well. i want you to see each other as positive examples rather than competitors or someone to fret our.

if there was a secret then i'd tell you with no delay but all i know is that sometimes praying works for me.

love x xx

everything's quiet and everything hurts, the tip tap of souls leaving this earth.

i am so tired. it's this physical exhaustion that sends me to sleep for hours but awakes me still sleep filled. and my body aches. it hurts horribly and the painkillers don't work any more because i took too many of them in my anorexic life.

you get rid of one ill and then there's another around the corner, as if to say, "serve you right for wasting your time on perfection." it makes me sad. it makes me tired.

x xx

eating disorder awareness week minding me style

you know you want to click here.

x xx

if there's one thing about acceptance i haven't grasped yet, it's accepting it.

i met a few amazing people in hospital, our situations both awfully similar and terrifically different, but knowing them now, is not always helpful.

because if we're talking eating disorders then there's a small crazy part that never leaves; it's the subconscious that posts entire albums showing their stick legs or writes about their relapses on facebook instead of their successes.

don't misunderstand me here, everyone needs a place to vent but publicly to your close friends on social networking sights? i just don't understand. i write here because for the most, i am no one.

(of course that didn't entirely work out but that's another story)

i honestly don't need to know that you've got retubed, especially when we all know you don't need a tube because your actually overweight.

i don't need to see your skinny ass posing in size six clothes that are too big.

nor do i need to know that you ate a piece of cake.

or that you want to loose weight.

these ideas, obsessions, intentions are not an option. forget them.

you got tube fed, yeah well so did i and so do lots of other people. i don't need to see it as your status update on facebook!

wow, you fit size six. again, i don't care. i could fit a size six too if i tired but that's not my aim.

a piece of cake, congratulations. everyone else in britain eats cake too.

and don't loose weight. we all know where it'll end up and it's not pretty or fun or happy.

recovering from an eating disorder is not fun. i don't remember that being part of the description when i finally started. in fact, let's be honest, recovering from anything is not usually fun. but then, neither is being ill. yes when i was deeply anorexic i felt powerful, superior, wistful, indestructible but i was also cold, lonely, hungry and genuinely the most upset and low i have ever felt. my bad days now don't measure up to even of half of what i felt when i was ill. i can barely cope with my bad days now so i can't imagine going back to a place where i felt far worse far more of the time.

you have to get on with it. and yes, that may seem a little harsh, perhaps a little naive or as if i'm making it out to be easier than it is. but at the end of the day, eating is a basic human need and one that we can and do get back to.

it's a choice.

what's yours?

x xx

minding me needs you please

please have a look, spread the word and follow via blogger, facebook and twitter - mindmetoo.blogspot.com

merci beaucoup! x xx

letting go can only make you lighter, forgiveness is a talent that i rarely find in others.

see you hate us but we don't hate you. at least, we didn't ...i don't think. we're only starting to. but i know we could turn the other cheek. i know we'd forgive you if you meant the sorry words you say.

cause how can it be fair, that we are judged for past mistakes but we don't judge on your current jealousy.

granted seventeen years is long to bind. though it's not time that makes friends last, its friends that make time who last.

i know, cliched to the skys. i guess they wouldn't be cliches if not true and widely spread.

i'll pray you see us for more that what you think we are. cause hate hurts and i don't want anyone to hurt from a pain like that.