i read words today which were, in some respects, a well summised view of the world i create and inhabit for myself. that's not to say i agree with everything written, i don't think the words i saw totally understand the extent of the illness i write about. but even so, i won't lie and say all i saw was untrue.
sometimes i start to write about days and they seem trivial, their intentions unprompted and pointless. we make war in this world so why should i write about love? but that's cynical and despite my cynasism, i don't like it.
anorexia nervosa, let's give it it's full title, is collective, cynical, consuming, corrective, controlling, chaos. it's not i didn't have other interests or feeling before it ...it's not i don't have them anymore, it's just that they're buried.
i haven't known what to write for so long, i've lost my voice. the air in my lungs squeezed out. i've been left to scream in small white rooms, cut deep to tendons, purge till blood, starve and eat and cry and run. it's not just my body i tried to destroy, i wanted to forget, to be numbed and held. you return to this infantile state, utterly dependant on those around, vunerable.
at times i've lost all sense of myself, i don't know where i start or end, where my emotions are real or just overreactions to a world i do not understand. i'm scared, i've always been scared. but what of, i have knly the faintest idea.
but this place, these words, were never meant to be solely about anorexia and what it entails. this place was meant to be about me, these words are mine. i think the problem that arrose is that sometimes anorexia is all i am, it becomes an identity that i rely on and a safe place to cower.
but not everything is bad, it's just the bad things sometimes stick out for me.
i've screamed and cried but i have also been held and hugged. i've made friends i hope to never ever lose and walked by sunny canals, sat and sung in church, lay and knitted in the grass and daisies, been tranfixed by simple things like cloudless skies, a cat called cino, the feel of new clothes, being able to run.
the other day i walked five miles just to see two friends. it was tiring, i dragged my feet that felt too hot in boots under spring sun, but it was real and worth it.
yes, i don't eat enough. i hurt the body i have and ultimately perhaps it will cost me somewhat. but that is not all i am. i am a person who's awkward and quiet. who loves so many others back ...both those she should and those she shouldn't. i am cared for, i am frustrating, i have potential that i don't care to use. i spend money to easily, give too much away. i believe in god and heaven and that stars are souls. i talk to myself, i'm usually the last to get jokes and i hate telephone calls and talking to strangers. i miss horse riding and dancing and deep down there is a part of me which believes in life. it's finding it abouts the rumble and shredded paper of my heart.
so there you go.
i love sitting on train, rolling past cars and factories, country and woods with the sun misting through.
quinn x xx
- ▼ April (3)