it's been six months and sometimes i feel no further forward than the last step i took backwards.
i want to be positive and happy and to tell everyone i'm managing and that i'm not scared and food is fuel i will always need. but i can't. it would be yet another lie.
the damage i've done to my heart probably should have started to right itself by now. it hasn't. sometimes i wonder if perhaps it's permanent. and so my weight rises with all the food i have eat to restore my weight and i want to die within the new layers of fat that envelope me.
but i know i can't. i have others to look out for, people who need someone to tell them it's gonna be okay. i want to be her. i want to be the girl everyone talks about.
but i'm so scared of the big bad world that i'm stuck in here. my lovely doctor said he was concerned because i could just to bounce back and fourth between hospitals for the rest of my life, always ill.
limbo doesn't second too great.
and i want a life.
but i'm just so scared.
want to what i'm scared?
i hate phone calls and talking to strangers. meeting friends and not knowing what to say. asking questions in shops and having to answer them in school. of having to buy food and inadvertedly showing my weakness; i am human, i need nutrition. i'm scared of being places that are dirty, unclean, well used. of being situations i do not understand. of arguing and being hated. seeming innocent, naive and young. i'm just frightened of being judged by anyone and everyone.
it's suffocating. like this bubble world i'm trapped in, my fear is suffocating. i barely know anything of the world. japan and it's trembling heart at the moment calls the world concern and i want to help there and meet people and love the unlovable.
you are loved, i promise x xx
- ▼ March (3)