it's eating disorder awareness week and i need you better butterfly

we don't tend to think about anything but the present, perhaps stretching to immediate future at the very best. we're not good at imaging how our actions implicate on our future, how we alter amd shape everything through the moments that came before.

i know i certainly don't.
i know my illness certainly doesn't.

and there it is again, that pronoun "my" ...illness isn't a concept or reality most people cling to and yet i do, heading all my sentences, excuses, lies with my illness, my illness, my identity.

but it's killing me. and for once i can barely argue against that fact. all the sustained abuse, starvation, purging, chaotic rituals and pills i put my body through is finally catching up with me.

...when i first bought laxatives, i read the side affects of prolonged use and it said, "may cause weight loss due to muscle wastage." brilliant darling it said to me, more horror for your insides.

i forgot my heart was a muscle. 
i forgot as you lose weight from an alreadh underweight frame your internal organs start to fail.

now i'm seventeen and in the danger zone for collapsing and cardiac arrest. the doctor told mummy it's the worst case he's ever seen. i never thought i'd suffer any of those potentally fatal conditions through statving, but look what ...i did.

you think it won't happen to you, that you are untouchable. but you're not, you're really really not.

love and prayers, x xx