"turn that down!" says mummy as she frets over jumpers in the spare room. i do, of course. but these boxsets of "house" are really the only thing keeping me sane at home. for everything is difficult in my little northern hometown; a little darker, a hint of temptation with a bitter after taste. because home feels grubby and tainted, all the streets lined with faces - tesco is the new social gathering spot for people i know, by unfriendly aquaintance, to hang'. papa gave me the car keys and i fled to hide behind the neighbouring land drover.
christmas day itself was lovely. i cuddled baby all afternoon and played monster chases with a five & six year old. i ate the meal, all of it, the salmon, the soup, the turkey, the dessert. then i spent half an hour coaxing the five year old to eat hers. ironic how the roles reverse.
and there were many presents and a little stress, lots of smiles and hugs goodbye. and beneath it all was remembering our God, his gift to us and the sacrafices everyone must make.
so that was christmas day. and it was lovely.
but home is still, unhomely. everytime we drive past my old school, the one from before, i shudder. it looks grim. and inside it there is a strange equilibrium being swayed between bleak and hope. there is in fact, monsieur t if you're reading, a lovely new anorexic case wandering the halls - i don't know her name but she must be fourth year (maybe fifth but less likely), tall, long blonde hair and well, skinny, but i needn't point that out. it was unsettling to see her manically scanning m&s soups' calories the night before christmas.
but i digress. i started writing because here, town home sweet home, it feels like i don't exist. maybe i don't exist except to myself; perhaps the existance of everything is only real to itself.
solipsism to be exact.
"Solipsism is the philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist. The term comes from Latin solus (alone) and ipse (self). Solipsism as an epistemological position holds that knowledge of anything outside one's own mind is unsure. The external world and other minds cannot be known, and might not exist outside the mind. As a metaphysical position, solipsism goes further to the conclusion that the world and other minds do not exist."
do any of us really know of any existance but our own? i try sometimes to imagine myself as another person, to think of their experiences and actions but i fail. i can't tell for certain their thoughts and ideas just as they can't be sure of mine. ever seen a real good poker face? mine is just playing a smokey game.
x xx
twloha. always.
it sums everything it up, non? that feeling we use to have.
my cat. she's fat. and that's not merely from an anorexic's point of view.
i want to travel to the moon. feel the star dust on my feet.
